|
IR35
has survived judicial review... A
man sits behind a desk in an old fashioned type of office.
He looks uncannily like John Cleese. He looks up as another
man enters and sits opposite him. This other man looks
remarkably like Michael Palin. JC
- And what can we do for you, Mr ...? MP
- Pusey, Edward Pusey. I would like to be a devil's disciple
please. JC
- I see. What sort of disciple would you like to be. MP
- Well, I had in mind a sort of freelance role. You know - a
bit of black magic here, promoting a spot of evil there, visiting
the odd coven near Willesden Junction... JC
- I'm afraid it's not as easy as that. You see, we have to
decide on your status. For instance, you could be an
employee disciple. MP
- What does that mean then? JC
- Those are the people we put on Pay As You Burn. We make
sure they keep their heads down, noses to the grindstone, that
sort of thing, and if they slack off then it's straight onto the
old fiery pit. Most of them are on our Purgatory scheme,
whereby we torture them with just enough hope that they may be
able to retire with an adequate pension. MP
- Hmm...what sort of work do they do? JC
- Compliance mostly, inserting errors into tax returns. The
catch is that every day is February 2 - we like to work on a
just-too-late basis. MP
- I don't like the sound of that. What else have you got? JC
- Right. We have a sort of half-way-house - not an employee
but not really in business for yourself either. So we
operate a kind of withholding tax. MP
- How does that work, then? JC
- Basically, since the wages of sin is death, you sort of die but
remain among the living. Undead, you might say. It
involves a lot of evening work and biting people in the
neck. We call it our Senior Partner scheme. MP
- It's still not quite what I had in mind. JC
- There is the full self-employment option. It does involve
a mortgage on your soul, but most people find this can be
conveniently arranged through their High Street Bank. You
do, though, get to enjoy the full fruits of your labour without
interference from us. You know the sort of thing - women,
fast cars, champagne... |
MP - Yes, that's it. That's what I
want. The full self-employment option.
JC - That's what they all say.
There are a few questions I need to ask first, though.
MP - Fire away.
JC - Have you got any of your own
equipment? Pitchfork, thumbscrews, time-sheet...
MP - Er... I do have an incredibly
sharp pencil...
JC - Let me guess, you wanted to do
the drawing part, yes? [MP nods enthusiastically. JC
sighs resignedly.] I suppose we might as well press on.
Do you do any work for similar organisations to our own?
MP - I did have a short spell with
the Inland Revenue - does that count?
JC - I should say things are looking
up. Do you expect to be able to profit from doing your work
well? Not in the long term, obviously, 'what shall it profit a
man' and all that, but taking a short-term view.
MP - Oh yes. I'm particularly
looking forward to the power and untold wealth.
JC - OK, and I think we can say that
you are taking a considerable risk...so how about substitution - can
you get someone else to do your dirty work for you?
MP - I am familiar with the
principles of delegation, yes.
JC - Jolly good. So - you
supply your own equipment, you work on other contracts, you expect
to profit from your efficiency, you you can make someone else do the
real work, you are taking a real risk, and there can't be any mutual
obligation because we are both completely untrustworthy.
However, we may have a teensy problem with the length of the
contract...
MP - How long is that?
JC - Eternity...Still, we might be
able to set up some sort of franchise operation. Tell me, are
you able to work without supervision? I mean, can you wreak
havoc and mayhem on a massive scale on your own initiative?
MP - [smiling smugly] Did I tell you
I was in computers?
JC - [beaming] I'm sure we can come
to a mutually acceptable arrangement, Mr Pusey...
|
